Phrackin' Up:
Explaining David Gonterman

This week's episode:

"I am a child."

Opening Note:

This is one of a limited amount of collumns based on David Gonterman. This, like the Gonterman Shrine, isn't meant to insult David Gonterman. While The Gonterman Shrine is here to celebrate the campy wackiness, however bad as it may be, that is Foxfire. Many of the readers out there might simply dismiss and wonder why such things exist. Jesus Cantilinarian has been observing David Gonterman for a while, and this is his perspective on the matter. Jesus Cantilinarian is not a professional, but simply offers this opinion:


"Davey-Kinz"-it’s the name that Gonterman wants to be called by his friends. It’s the name that he names most of the protagonists in all his stories. It’s not a mature name, as it can’t be seen calling a thirty-two year old man “Davey-Kinz.”

But, it’s what he wants you to know him as.
In most of his work, he censors any use of adult language. When a person swears, something is crossed out. While it might be understandable that David wants to project a clean and friendly image, as well as work that can be viewed by all ages, it’s self-defeating. Why would one bother with putting an adult situation in a comic/story/picture only to have it censored out?

It’s simple: David is a child.

David seems to have a problem with existing in a mature, and adult world. It’s nothing wrong to want to remain in an innocent situation, where no one swore and the lines of good and evil were clearly drawn. David prefers the world of colorful happiness, of Mobius and Sonic the Hedgehog to the real world that he has to exist in.

David’s not the most successful guy, and his childhood must have been an extreme and jaded one to forever retard his mental growth. He has claimed that he didn’t have a jolly high school experience. (Who did?) He doesn’t seem to have much of a relationship at home. David reveals the majority of his childhood problems and in his more “controversial” story, Sailor Moon: American Kitsume. In a scene in Chapter Eight, David [revering to the main character as David Kintobor] reveals his basic childhood problems in what probably convinced the Internet community that David Gonterman is a racist, homophobic hateful bitch:

[let it be known that the following is presented unedited. It was de-MiSTified, and some of the structure has been changed to fit this space, but there has been no change to the content itself.]

[--- "**YOU!!**  I should've KNOWN *you'd* be Negaverse Trash!!  The way you phrack up people's lives all this time, it makes perfect sence, Zoisite!!"
 " . . . FoxFire . . . you *know* this guy?"
 "You bet I do Sailor Moon . . ."
 Of course, the General has no idea what he's talking about.
"You  have me at an advantage, American.  You know who *I* am, but I don't know you from Adam."
"*What?*  Don't you remember the names of your Victims, other than how such a screw they are?  I'll give you a hint!!"
 FoxFire morphs back into Human Mode, which caused Zoisite to remember.
 A young boy who's unpopular and effeminate.  Zoey tried to force this child into the Gay lifestile, but the boy turned away. he was promptly labeled as a Homosexual afterward, which took what pieces he had left of getting any friends or respect from his teachers and grinds them into dust.
  "I hated you all my life, FAG."
 FoxFire lets spittle fly on the FAGs as he morphs back into Fox Mode.
 "You riuned almopst half of mah life, FAG. I was *never* allowed to live what you did to me down, FAG, and I'm going to take some payback out of your AIDS-ridden, maggot infested, perverted hide, FAG!!"
  He pumps up and aims, channeling over a decade of rage into his rifle.
 Zoisite sneers.  "What are you going to do, Homophobe? Shoot me?"
 . . . . .
 "Whoa, I couldn't believe that *anyone* can do that to a Negaverse General!!  Uh, Foxie, was that true about the part where he tried to make you gay?
  FoxFire noonded to Sailor Moon. ---]

 David must have endured the following, but don’t take my word for it: when in high school, David wasn’t much of a man with the ladies. He kept to himself, didn’t participate in many sports that would be considered “manly” and had very few friends. What friends he did have were mostly male. One day, someone called David gay, and that was the general idea that since he had never shown any kind of interest in women, he was gay. This bothered David, because when he was growing up, the idea of being gay was bad. To be gay in America to a kid is probably the worst idea known. The idea that being called a faggot is “an assault on someone’s masculinity, not calling them a derogatory term for a gay man” is ludicrous: David was not afraid of being “less manly,” he was afraid of being gay. He might not be, as any kind of gay tendencies would come from constantly being called homosexual in school.
 His parents probably weren’t as accepting and open minded as most parents could be, so they probably thought he was Gay as well. Maybe his father was a man in the army who decided to insult his son, saying that nothing is worse then being :a faggot.”
 Whatever happened, it prevents David from fully acting as an adult. He’s lucky to be a cartoonist. He’s able to comprehend more mature themes and live with the lack of innocence in the world. If he had been pushed a little more, he might be hanging out in parks and inviting kids to go to “Funland.” It’s hard to lose the care-free life of a child to grow into something more, and people who aren’t fully prepared to do it become child molesters, untalented comic strippers, or writers of cynical Internet articles.

 David writes and censors his own work because he can’t fully take the adult world. Something inside keeps him from doing such.

 He sees himself as a modern day Walt Disney. He sees himself as a man offering innocence and happiness to the people of the world. But the fact is, he’s not. Even Walt had to get laid every once in a while. David can’t differentiate the difference between art and life when it comes to his maturity. He pines to live in his worlds, where he is the hero, the unstoppable god of goodness. He wants to be the hero of the day, to be the childhood superman.

Unfortunately, the world doesn’t work that way.

Unfortunately, David Gonterman has to grow up.

sanna ho sanna hey Superstar
-Jesus Cantilirian