Phrackin' Up:
Explaining David Gonterman

This week's episode:

"Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was..."

Opening Note:

This is one of a limited amount of collumns based on David Gonterman. This, like the Gonterman Shrine, isn't meant to insult David Gonterman. While The Gonterman Shrine is here to celebrate the campy wackiness, however bad as it may be, that is Foxfire. Many of the readers out there might simply dismiss and wonder why such things exist. Jesus Cantilinarian has been observing David Gonterman for a while, and this is his perspective on the matter. Jesus Cantilinarian is not a professional, but simply offers this opinion:
David Gonterman, for a man who wants to be the new father of imagination, can't seem to write anything original.  This has garnished him the unofficial moniker of being the "physical embodiment of fandom," or "the ultimate fan-boy."

Attribute it to his miserable childhood, to his lack of a family home, or to his continual growth in front of the television, the result is the same: he can't seem to dream up anything on his own. While he may have the mentality of a child, he lacks the appropriate imagination. Some of the more entertaining Crack-heads can come up with more original stories then what David has put out.

He's written stories about Sonic the Hedgehog and Chip n' Dale's Rescue Rangers. His most reoccurring character is a modification of Jonathan Brisby, a mouse from "Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIHM," a book by Robert C. O'Brien. His latest project (at the date of 27.03.01) is a modification of the Greek mythology primarily used in Sailor Moon.


Why hasn't David done anything original? It's part of his Ed Wood-ish appeal, but the real problem is at hand: David can't seem to deviate from the work of others. Even if he tries to do something original, there are too many references to things that aren't appropriate, and thus the work is lost, disregarded at the incoherent rambling of the "Internet's most dangerous" fan-boy.

The origin of this problem can be traced to David's interaction with fan-fiction, where writers use pre-existing material and create new scenarios that originally existed in the minds of the pre-existing material's most die-hard fans.

David was the moth to the shining light of fan-fiction.


Why did David decide to join the Internet community of fan-fiction? In a network of sites that host stories depicting Scully and Mulder married and Goku having sex with Vegeta, David saw Utopia.

David has had the Generic Miserable Childhood.(tm) If not crippled by a football accident, he was rejected by his peers. So he more or less grew up in front of the television, with video games, comic books, and the syndicated episodes of imported anime. One creates when there is nothing left, to fulfill a need. David never had a need to create, with a constant supply of television and video games. While David stuck in the worlds of others, his own imagination went underdeveloped. So, whenever David thought of something creative, he could only through the use of anyone else. He could only call someone "as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog" or describe a power blast as "like Gambit's Royal Flush in Capcom vs. Streetfighter." Unable to imagine something on his own, David basically use what he observed, and recycled it. It's something called "Plagiarism," or more specifically: Being Lazy.

Television does rot your brains, kids.

When David found the Internet, he found people who were writing stories about what he liked. He felt something similar with the people who thought that Knuckles could have dated Princess Sally, or if Serena was really an adopted American. David was surrounded with kindred spirits. He finally found the acceptance that not even his family would provide.

People were talking his language, living in his world, and writing stories about his best friends. So, David wrote his first fan-fiction: Blood and Metal. After that, history was made.

"David Gonterman" is a well known name in the world of Fan-Fiction. Correction: "David Gonterman is an infamous name in the world of Fan-Fiction. He is not known for his interesting take on the stories, or a revolutionary writing style. His name is not held with the literary respect that he would want it to have. In the end, David's name garnishes laughter; David's name is a joke.

Why is David Gonterman a joke in the world he wanted to so desperately be in?

Because David was a twenty-seven year old college student writing crappy stories about Sonic the Hedgehog and Sailor Moon.

The whole point behind Night Soldiers is revenge for his ousting by the Sailor Moon community. When he wrote his stories, taking the creative liberties that he did, the community based on said fandom (i.e. The Sailor Moon fandom) reacted negatively to him. The fans were upset that he resurrected old enemies, blended American and Japanese versions of the show, and basically made every single character in the stories get down on their knees to worship David's self-inserted character as the second coming of Christ.

In the Sonic the Hedgehog world, he was insulted for the continual degradation of the already established characters, using the cliché plot contrivance of having his self-inserted character the bastard son of Robotnik, along with the various other unprofessional and completely mind-boggling events in the stories.

The lack of any comprehensive artwork didn't help his case either.

David, unable to comprehend how he could have gone wrong, was insulted and lambasted and degraded in front of the communities that he loved. The Sonic the Hedgehog fandom still laughs whenever his name is mentioned on the message boards across the Internet.

So, he left Sonic and Sailor Moon. The Power Rangers, Rescue Rangers, and VR Troopers were all abandoned by David, as he turned to the other main influence on his life: a film done by Don Bluth about a book featuring a civilization of mice.

With that, David found new salvation. With his underdeveloped imagination, he began anew, sewing together new parts. He borrowed one plot from Sonic the Hedgehog, one theme from Power Rangers, the occasional Pokémon reference and he newest creation was born: Fauna Force. A bastardization of Sonic the Hedgehog, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and staring Jon Brisby, David might have gone out in the world of "original fiction" but he kept the similarities so close that he was just writing the same fan-fiction stories.

Things are changing. David knows what I speak about. He has heard numerous cries for him to stop writing the same old shit over and over again. He plans on doing something new and different, if it's possible.

But, with his latest project being the same re-hashing of an already used storyline, David is refusing to actually think. While he might have researched the mythology behind the Sailor Moon character, he's already associating himself with a storyline that was conceived hundreds of years ago.  While one can argue that there are a limited amount of stories that could actually be told, David refuses to experiment with those different paradigms. Instead, he is stuck with an feebleminded imagination and the mentality of a fan boy. He continues to experiment, deviating from the set path. Each day David gets closer to not needing the pre-existing material to others. Hopefully, he won't need to rely upon ancient stories, one day, but it seems that he's making steps to do so.

Hopefully, after enough of those steps, David might finally reach the OFF switch on the television. With the need cut, he will be forced to deal with his need, instead of having something else do it for him.

Hopefully, he will be able to stretch out and live in a pure, creative existance.

Hopefully, after seeing how big the mind can be, he won't turn the television back on.

[Closer: Not my best work. If anyone wishes to correct me, I welcome it. Email me with information on whatever I write, and I'll post a correction where appropriate. Even Jesus had a bad day.]
sanna ho sanna hey Superstar
-Jesus Cantilinarian