FoxFire Studios Presents

Sailor Moon: American Kitsune

Installment Two

Sailor Moon by Toei Animation, brought to America by Dic
American Kitsune by David Gonterman []
Storyline by David Gonterman and Edward Becerra
[]<---Become one of Sonic's BAMned
Power Rangers by Bandai, brought to America by Saban


"Let's get her into my car. If I put down the back seats
and the passenger seat, we can lay her down. Be easier than
carrying her in your arms."

"Where'm I gonna ride, then?"

"What? Don't those wings work anymore? <snicker>"

"I've never seen a car like that before. What is it?"

"It's a German built Mercury Capri. Brought it home from
Germany when I was stationed there. One of the few _good_ things
that happened to me there. But those are my problems. Right
now, we gotta get her to my place. Here, I'll pop the hatchback &
you can ride in back. You keep an eye on her. Whatever jumped
her, got her good. Thank Fortuna for my training; I got a
corpsman's first aid kit at home."

"Nice place you got here."

"Yeah. It's a cross between a garage apartment and a
vacation cottage. My grandpa built it before he passed away.
When Grandma Mitchel died, she willed it to me. One big room, a
bath, and a kitchen alcove. All I need, really."

"You forgot to mention the 10,000 paperback books and all
the computers."

"Yeah, well, there's only 6,500 books at last count. I
can't help it. It's like crack. I just keep buying them &
collecting them. Go figure. Help me get her on the bed."

"There. Where are your blankets? In this closet?"

Davey walks across the room to open the closet.

"Dave. Noooooooo!"


An avalanche of assorted junk had buried them both alive.

"jIpumpu' 'ej jIHu'laHbe'," swore Ed loudly

"What did you say?!" asked Dave, poking his head out of the

"Klingonese. Ahhh... roughly translated, `I've fallen, and
I can't get up!'"

"You speak Klingon?!"

"Doesn't everybody? Anyway, I _was_ trying to warn you
about the closet. That's the `Closet O' Doom', Davey. I don't
know how Grandpa built it, but it's bigger on the inside than it
is on the outside. There are a lot of things in there. No one
knows how much. But if you search long enough, you can find
ANYTHING in there. I think it's connected to Spags, back in
Worchester, Massachusetts, over in the `Undocumented Features'
universe. Trans-dimensional, you know? Kinda spooky, when you
think about it. Which is why I try not to."

"Well, let's find some blankets for her."

"Hmmm... Lessee... As I recall... Ten meters in, turn left,
five meters forward, turn left, and there are the blankets!"

"Wooooo! Big closet!"

"Tell me about it. You don't know the half of it! Just be
careful, and try to stay close behind me. It's easy to get lost
in here."

"In a closet?!"

"Trust me. It's happened to better people than us. This is
one DANGEROUS closet!"

Davey heard a roaring noise. "What's that, Kick... er, Ed?"

"Oh, $#^t! Those damn velociraptors, again. I gotta start
setting out some traps. Better get yer Power Rifle ready, just
in case."

A few moments later, they stepped out of the closet with the
blankets, and Ed closed the door behind them.

"Remind me to call the folks who make RAID bug spray. I
gotta see if they can do dinosaurs, too."

"Will do. How'd you get velociraptors in the closet

"I'm not sure, but I think one of the doors inside the
closet goes to Jurassic Park. I'm just happy that the T. Rex's
couldn't fit thru the door frame."

"That's lucky. T. Rex's roaming around in Colorado. Not a
good thing. Heh!"

"Well, she's seen better days, but she'll be all right.
Good thing I still had that old corpsman's field surgery kit.
And the training to use it. I don't know where I can find her a
Sailor outfit here in Haxtun, tho. Folks in Colorado sometimes
think the ocean is just a fairy tale somebody dreamed up. I'll
just have to give her some of my little sister's old clothes.
She left them behind when she got married & moved away."

"That ought to do the job for right now, but what I want to
know is..."

Ed broke in with, "Enquiring Minds Want To Know! Read it in
the National Enquirer!" which made David drop to the floor
clutching his gut. Sometimes puns can be deadly, and Edward
Becerra was one of the big-time slayers. Ed snickered. "But
seriously... you were saying?"

" I was saying, What attacked her, & how'd she end
up over Colorado airspace?"

"Good point. To quote Whoopi Goldberg, `What kind of
trouble are you in, girl? And is it gonna follow me home?!'.
Now where did I put that Japanese dictionary and phrase book,

"Maybe we won't need one, Ed." Davey reached into his
pocket and pulled out that looked like a pocket watch. He pushed
a button, waited for a moment, then . . .


"See if you can find out anything on Sailor Moon on the Net.
I've gotta make a phone call, to a floating head."

Edward's mother managed to take what was left of Sailor
Moon's costume off her unconscious body and starts or repair it.
Edward himself uses all the Internet-sucking power his Amiga 500
can muster to find out all he can about her.

Davey was talking into his communicator in his left arm.
"Kintobor to Zordon, do you copy? I've just saved Sailor Moon
from making the crater. You got anything on how she got here?"

"Good work, David." The control panel shifted and flipped
into a miniature command center. "She will be needed in the near
future. <Images flickered in the palmtop hologram> Queen Beryl,
The Sailor Scout's archenemy, is expanding her influence into
America. The Scouts tried to stop her, but failed. Sailor Moon
was sent flying over the Pacific by then."

"You think the Power Rangers will get involved?"

"Without a doubt. If I dig deep enough, I'll find Lord Zedd
and Rita Repulsaa somewhere in Beryl's endeavors."

"Keep me informed. I'll see if I can get her back in the
fight. Er, do you have anything for the language barrier?"

"Here," A box with a in-the-canal hearing-aid-like device
teleported into his free hand. "This Japanese/English Ear Canal
Translator will do nicely."

"Thanks Zordon."

"You're out of our teleporter range due to Beryl's
activities disrupting the morphing grid. You will have due to
make your own way back to Angel Grove, but I'm sure you can do
so. Stand by for future instructions."

"Will do. M.A.P.P.U.A."

"Oh, and David . . . Welcome back. I knew that your
personal problems will not take you away from your duty."

"You think I went anywhere, Z-head? I just need something
better to think about other then myself. Babysitting Japan's #1
redneck qualifies. Kintobor out."

As David snuck back to Sailor Moon, to slip the translator
into her right ear, he noticed something different with his right
arm. It's always been hairy, but the fur wasn't *orange*. 'Uh-uh.

Serena's eyes flutter open as soon as the plug went in her
ear canal. Davey flew his hand back fast, hoping she didn't get
the wrong idea. 'Here we go again, Crockett. First that redhead
hedgehog, now *this*!'

At first, still in between sleep and awake, she muttered the
Japanese word for 'Fox'--"Kit . . . sune"--which was translated
by David's on-board computer. But the translator kicked in while
the rest of her woke up. "H-hi. Err. Where am I? <gasp>
Where's my costume?!"

"Er, 'morning, Sailor Moon, is it? We've got your ID with
what was left of your suit. We're patching it up right now."

"Hey! How can you speak Japanese just now?"

"I don't. You're *hearing* Japanese, as well as you sound
in English. What I slipped in your ear is a translator."

"Translator?" Serena reached into her ear and took the plug
out. She was back in Japanese and David in subtitles, thanks to
the HUD grafted in his eyes.

>>>Hmmm. . . Miracle Ear . . . <laughs, then looks right
into David> What's wrong with your . . . uh? . . . *Oh!* Excuse
me . . .<<<

She slipped the translator back in.

"Sorry about that. <Giggle> I noticed that your eyes glowed

"They *did*?" Davey turns away. "They do that at times."

"Oh, . . and your arm! It's *metal*. . ."

"I take it that you never seen a cyborg before. <Serena
nods and giggles again> I'm David. What do they call you, when
you're not this costumed . . ."

"Serena. Hey, do you know where I am? The last thing I
could remember, I was in Tokyo."

"Er . . . Colorado . . . as in . . . USA?"

That was when the events of the past six hours hit her like
a freight train, and she looked like a possum hypnotized by the

The full roster of Sailor Scouts were needed to combat a
*huge* monster Queen Beryl sicced on them. It was big enough to
beat up Godzilla, Mothra, Tiamat, every MegaZord the Power
Rangers ever had, and all of Clan Jade Falcon combined. The
scouts threw everything at it: Tiaras, bubbles, geysers,
fireballs, lightning bolts, hearts in every size, shape, and
configuration possible. Nothing was working, and the monster was
getting pissed! It swiped his arm wide to clear the area of all
the projectiles, as well as several city blocks, it inadvertently
(Yeah, right <beeeee> |:'-p ) scooped Sailor Moon up with all of
the debris, and threw it due east, sending her flying without a
plane over the Pacific Ocean.

What started with a whimper now has burst like a dam. "I
WWWAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Serena buried her weeping face
into David's shirt.

David and Edward looked at each other; they were warned
about Serena's 'moodiness,' to say the least. Still, Edward
could see something projected from Davey's HUD: "I like her.
She's silly."

Edward raised his right eyebrow, Spock-style, and said,
"Go Figure."

"There, there, hon." David held her in his hands. "We'll
get you back home, even if we have to walk there. And we'll kick
the butt off the jerk that threw you away with the garbage."

"<sob> H-how? <sniff>"

"Look at my belt buckle."

She looked down at the distinctive Morpher, then right back
at Davey, eyes aglow like light bulbs--literary.

"I'm a freelancer. Zordon's got a dozen of so of us running
amuck all over America. We piss of Rita and Zedd whenever we
can. . ."

" . . . And it looks like we'll be doing the same to Beryl
as well," David continued over Edward's excuse for lunch.
"Zordon just told me that she's dumping Doom rejects into America
like a Japanese car maker. Hey, Ed. Watch it with them
habaneros, will ya?"

"What's the matter?" Ed made an evil face. "Afraid of a
little hot pepper?" He moved the pepper toward Serena.

David held her back. "Hot!? Those suckers are almost
*nuclear*!! Watch it, Rabbit <Later on in the day, David will
wonder why he just called Serena that>, I think *that's* what the
Elonga Gay dropped on Hiroshima!"

Serena's face got as white as a sheet. Every schoolchild in
Japan was told very well about what happened to Hiroshima, No
matter *what* politics were attached to it. Listening to
grandparently figures describe thermonuclear annihilation like
the folks at David's home trailer park describe tornados really
puts in one's mind a proper respect for atomic bombs. "Is it
*that* hot??"

"Yep," Edward smiled evily. "I eat them all the time." He popped
the habanero into his mouth and chomped away.

Both Davey and Serena flinched. Serena ventured into the
almost flammable fumes of the pepper and said, "Just don't, like,
hurl. Okay?"

"I *never* . . . hurl," Edward said, in a James Bond voice.

"You *better*," Davey added. "One burp from you and all of
the Mountain Time Zone goes up in a mushroom cloud! Now then,
where was I?"

"Beryl's in America . . ."

"Oh, yeah . . . and it's mucking up matters here. The main
Power Rangers--the ones in pajamas--are totally swamped. And if
that's not enough, it's screwing up with the morphing grid.
Teleporters won't work unless for small ones like mine. Zords
are inoperative too. It's bad, folks."

"Do you think that your arch enemies, Rita Repulsaa and Lord
Zedd, well get involved?"

"I'm sure that they're joining in the game by now, Serena.
I can count on it."

"There's gotta be some way to contact your teammates, these
Sailor Scouts, and get them over here? <Edward turns to Serena>
Does any of them have Internet access?"

"Um, Sailor Mercury has one. She's into that stuff."

Davey and Edward said as one, "Perfect."

The E-mail was promptly sent to this Ami Mizuno as Serena
took a look outside the house. David followed her into a small
town in the middle of a whole lot of sky. Both of them felt like
specks of kitty litter in a litter box the size of an average
back yard.

"Welcome to Nowheresville, Serena," he said, which made her
jump ten feet. "Yaaaa!"

"My, my, my. So jumpy, Rabbit." Again, 'Rabbit,' and this
time, Serena notices.

"Why'd you keep calling me that? Huh? Why?"

David merely grabbed a hold of Serena's twin ponytails--
gently though, as not to yank them--and flipped them in front of
her. She giggled hysterically. "I have been called that all my
life. {Note: The word for Rabbit in Japanese is 'Usagi,' what she
is called in the Japan version of Sailor Moon} It sure beats
'Meatball Head,' I tell you. So then, I'm wondering why people
call you 'Davey Crockett?' You don't look at *all* like the guy
in the old Disney series."

"Well," David scratches his shin. "Like your friend Ami,
I'm deep into the Net myself. I think of it as 'The Wild
Frontier of the 90s.' So, I rehashed that character you
mentioned, someone I liked to play as when I was younger than
you. I ripped the tail out of my old coonskin cap and tied it to
the back of this here baseball cap, and a legend is reborn."

"Coool. But that about your rifle." Serena mocks firing

"You mean . . ." He reaches behind him. " . . . *this?* . .
." And whips it out.

"This here's my baby. I call her 'The Power Rifle.'"

Serena rubbed her gentle hand on the overglorified double-
barreled sawed-off. It was state of the art *plus*, with a led
readout on the side, laser sights, and a rear end reservoir of
plasma ammunition. "Wooooow. <She finds the engraven brand name>
Zordon 16? Zordon made this?"

"What you are looking at is the Beta model of a street legal
line of toys to sell to the military, police, and the occasional
malitia. It takes a lot of money to upkeep those Zords. And the
head keeps changing them. <Davey rolls his eyes in disbelief> And
the '16?' That's 16 power settings for Queen Beryl and company.
Come on, I wanna show you how it works." He motions toward a
soda machine.

"Have to be care-full with this part, Serena. We *are*
shooting a *gun,* after all."

"Of course. Those cans are our targets?"

"Yep." David set the cans on the ground and took twelve
steps away, toward Serena.

"Okay. In order to keep the plasma power pack in juice, you
can only shoot a limited number of shots per load. Usually it's
six, but it changes with the setting. Reloading is simple: You
just :::CHA-CHICK::: pump up. That siphons juice from the pack
to the chamber like that old gas from the car trick. The pack
then recharges by some fusion stuff. That keeps the pack fresh
for . . . heck . . . forever." He held his hand in front of the
sight, showing a red dot. "You can tell you're armed and the
safety's off when the laser sight's on. So simple, even you can
shoot it." He aimed the gun at one of the cans and offered the
trigger at Serena.

"Me? Well, okay . . . I must admit that I'm not good at
this . . . Just keep the red dot on that can?"

"Here, let me keep hold of it." David grabbed hold of the
pumping part with his robot end. "Even on the lower settings,
this baby's packs quite a--"

She pulled the trigger.

The CHOOOM!!! was like lightning in a vacuum.

If it weren't for David, Serena would be flat on her back,
aiming it at the planetary object she's named after.

" . . . kick."

The can Serena shot at was reduced to confetti

"WOW!! Wait til Beryl meets *this*! Er, I'll just let
*you* shoot it, if you don't mind?"

"You're gonna be all right, Sailor Moon." David pumped up
and aimed at the other can. "Who says you're a ditz? You've got
it where it counts . . . Hey! Mr. Diet Pepsi! What's on yoah

CHOOM!! The can flips up into the air.


The can was now spinning 25 meters above their heads,
between them and the moon.

A pump-up and a switch to the automatic setting and . . .


Armor-piercing shots cut through the can and continue moon-ward.

"Take *that*, Zeddie!!"

The shots whiz right under Rita Repulsaa's nose and shatters
Zedd's throne to pieces--with Zedd on it. "WHAT THE PHRACK IS


"Who's doing it?! It can't be one of those *Power* Brats!
It *Can't* be one of those Power Brats!!"

Queen Beryl marched toward the telescope and found where the
shots are coming from. "Damn! Still alive! I can't believe it.
It's that meatball head I told you about, Sailor Moon!"

"Sailor Moon? I thought that monster I loaned you threw
that brat into orbit!" Rita snatched the telescope and switched
on the audio:

"BWAHAHAHA!! All evil aluminum containers of carbonated
burps shall taste my armor-piercing blast of liquid death!!"

"HOLY $#!*!! Zeddie! It's Davey Crockett!!"

"CROCKETT!! Figures. He's the only one I *know* that would
pull off something like that!"

"Zedd, didn't you take care of him once and for all over at
St. Louis."

"I thought I did, Beryl. I did had a hand in all that
racial unrest over there."

"But Master, if he finds out about that, he's gonna do more
than plink away at your base. This guy is a complete psycho with
a gun!!"

"I know that Goldar! It seems that he want's more, do you
Davey, my Sado-Masochistic friend?"

"Let me have a crack at him," Beryl said while listening to
her newest target talk about dumping the Japanese language into
his biochip so he can blast "Davey + Serena" into the Diet Pepsi
Can in kanji. "I want him to find out just *what* he's getting
into . . . the hard way . . . hah-hah-hah-hah."
To Be Continued.

Suppose you are not familiar with Serena and Company; here's some
URL's to help you out:<----A home page made by
Jubei, who created the Sailor Moon vs. Saban series. It'll
leave you in stitches, just don't expect stuff like that here.
It's Rita, Zedd, and Beryl that gets the fatalities. <Switches
to Death Metal voice> They shall join Dr. Robotnik into the Pit
of Hades where Reptile dwells, where they shall weep and gnash
their teeth for as long as they live!! BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!!!<---A whole crapload on Anime stuff, just click
on the "Archive" Sub-Directory.<---A web page Edward Becerra (Legion's
Quest) referred to me. supposed to have plenty on Anime, which
according to him, ain't for breakfast anymore.

You can of course reach me at []--You have my
E-Mail address for a reason. Use it!!

And of course my Web Page:<---Sonic
The Hedgehog: Blood and Metal--The best Sonic Fanzine
Story of 1995! Soon to become a comic book, if Archie wishes. I
hope. I *hope*!

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