FoxFire Studios Presents
Sailor Moon: American Kitsune
By David Gonterman
Sailor Moon by Toei Animation, brought to America by Dic
American Kitsune by David Gonterman [email@example.com]
Storyline by David Gonterman and Edward Becerra
http://users.aol.com/dgonterman<---Become one of Sonic's BAMned
Haxtun, Colorado has never been visited by a monster before
this day. The citizens there only thought they go to Tokyo, or
Los Angeles, or New York, or even--just recently--Saint Louis.
Imagine the shock when they find some reject from 'The Exorcist'
shows up, terrorizing the town. And imagine the surprise they
get when they rush out for higher ground to find who's rushing
into the scene on a hoverbike:
"Hang on, citizens," shouted the 5-foot-10 fox in an power
suit that looked like something out of a 50's sci-fi flick. "The
calvary's here! Now where *is* them bad guys?"
"I see one over there," said the twin-ponytailed blonde in a
mini-skirted sailor suit that's just there to hug her figure, "by
that Korean place. Hey!! I think I fought her before *also*!!"
Ms. Demon Processed stopped harassing the store owner to
rotate her head to the rear to see who's coming.
"Yep, she's the first one I fought in fact! Ugh, she looks
uglier than before!"
"Don't matter to me none, Rabbit. We'll just take her down
again. And *this* time she *stays* down!!"
The wife of the store owner yelled something about that
Japan did to them in the Forties, then broke a wooden chair on
top of the demonic assailant, who just laughed as she swatted Ms.
Store Owner into the street.
"Dear God in Heaven!" the lady said to the two as they
hopped off the bike. "What on earth *is* she?!"
"That's my clue to say my little speech, FoxFire. Cue the
"Yes, ma'am." The fox grabbed his tape player and played
some cool-sounding fanfare.
The sailor-suited heroine speaks loudly, for all to hear.
"That creature attacking you is a Alien Monster from the
Negaverse, an evil race from another dimension bent on draining
the people of Earth of their life energies--think of it as a
bunch of Rouges. [the crowd gets the idea at this point.] As
Sailor Moon, I fight for Justice against them in my home country
of Japan, and now our fight has spilled into American soil.
Therefore, on behalf of the Moon, and for both of our countries,
I and my friends will right what has become wrong and triumph
over any and all evil. And that means--"
FoxFire shot away a piece of chair thrown at Sailor Moon.
"Hey-Hey-Hey!! That's Offsides!! Yellow Hanky!! Yellow
"So WHAT, furball," The monster said in a non-melody of
five separate voices, "you phracking Yankees'll do it to me in a
hot second!! You Americans think your hot sh--"
The next shot sent the witch flying into the building. "I
heard that song before, Ma'am. It *still* sucks. [a little
louder] And I'm from St. Louis; I'm mainly a Blues and Rams
Sailor Moon took offense. "And just what was *that*,
"A five-yard penalty. Don't you know?"
"Oh, yeah. [Sailor Moon slaps her head] Where was my
"Hey, I know these things--"
"GET THEM!! GET THEM!!!"
The command came from our alien monster lost in the Korean
restaurant. And out came a small army of twenty--
"--Putties!! I *knew* I smelled Rita and Zedd's stench
somewhere!! [Foxie turns to Moon] These guys are pushovers.
They go down with just a solid hit to their Z-Plate *and* they're
incredibly stupid. Here, I'll show you . . ."
The two discuss some strategy in a huddle, then approached
the Putty Patrol. It was during this point where FoxFire said
something that got both sides' notice:
"All right pals, what's on your minds?"
POWER RANGERS COMMAND CENTER:
Alpha: "Aiyiyiyiyiyi!! Is *that* who I think it is? Davey
Zordon: "Yes it is, I'm afraid. He has become something like
the legendary 'Kitsune' from Japan; a fox with human like
qualities and powers that can rival Rita, Zedd, and Beryl
combined. Apparently the decades he spent on Mobius have made
more of a effect than I originally thought. This needs to be
Alpha: "I'll maintain surveillance, Zordon. He does look cute
though. Like having a built in Power Ranger costume."
Zordon: "He never was one to run with the crowd, Alpha. That
is something Davey uses to is advantage. And besides, orange
*is* his color."
Alpha: "How true."
LORD ZEDD'S MOON BASE:
Zedd: "IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!"
Rita: "Nice fur coat, Crockett! How'd you get the blood
Goldar: "I'm afraid that's his real fur, my queen."
Beryl: "Damn. He's a Kitsune? This guy's gonna be more
trouble than he's worth!!"
Rita: "A Kitsune? Like those legendary fox spirits from
Beryl: "Sorta. I met with their queen, named after their
friggin' race. She's a total pain in the brush, if you know what
I mean. If this guy finds out the full extent of his powers, he
can really throw a monkey wrench in our plans."
Zedd: "Then let's keep an eye on him, just in case.
Meanwhile, let's have our Putties knock him around for a while.
Last time I checked, he's not a martial artist, like those pesky
Power Brats. Let's see if our Monster for the Day caught up with
At an arbitrary line of scrimmage, marked by the Moon
Scepter. It was lying on the ground in lieu of a football at
FoxFire approached the "Football" and bent over it like a
Football Center would. Sailor Moon assumed the quarterback
position, being careful not to get beaned by the giant brushy
tail her partner has on his butt.
"Set 23! Set 32! Go Rams!! Go Rams!! Hut-Hut-HIKE!!"
FoxFire handed Moon's Scepter back at her and charged
toward--and *through*--the Putties. The Putties did the same
thing to Sailor Moon when they tried to sack her.
It took the people in the stands a few seconds to find out
that it was the hologram play. It'll take the Putties several
minutes, as they ran around aimlessly, until . . .
"Yoo hoo, Claybrains?" Cooed Moon from an alley.
The majority of the Putty Patrol rushed after her, but she
reappeared fifteen seconds later with FoxFire. "You're right,
Foxie! They *are* stupid!"
"Yeah! Shining examples of our public school system here!
I see they left six in reserve. A more manageable number, if I
may say." FoxFire charged the Putties again, this time for real.
"Allrighty then, who wants it first?"
Four of the six Putties decide to greet FoxFire's twin
clothesline, two on each arm. The two who caught the left
robotic arm were thrown head-over-heals onto the ground, reducing
them to pieces as they landed hard on their Z's. That left two
for Sailor Moon. "All right now, Sailor Moon," she steadied
herself as she got a firm grasp on the Scepter, "Just one hit on
that 'Z' and they go away. Nothing difficult. AIIIIIIIEEE!!"
Not difficult, that is, if she didn't have to dodge flying
fists and legs. She could only keep dodging for about a minute,
with no opening for a good Scepter hit, until one Putty pinned
one of her "rabbit ears" to a brick wall.
"OWWW!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr . . .MOON SCEPTER ELIMINATION!!!"
One wide swing with the Scepter, and both Putties were
reduced to the clay they came from, lying in a heap before a
fuming Sailor Moon. "NOBODY . . . MESSES . . . WITH THE
'DOOOOO!!! HRRRUUUUUGHHH!!" She was still growling when she
turned over to where FoxFire's at.
-That's Funny,- she said to herself as she watches Foxie
throw Putty #3 to a fence corner. -he doesn't appear to be a
martial artist like the Power Rangers I know on TV. [Foxie
throws Putty #4 into the same corner, over #3] He's more of a
brawler, like those WWF wrestlers.-
At that point, Foxie ran full-throttle toward the two
Putties and splashed himself right into them, shattering the two
into pieces for granny-like figure to gather and make pottery out
Sailor Moon ran up to him as he helped gather the pieces for
the grateful old women. "Having fun with those guys, Foxie?"
"What can I say? I like to play with my food before I eat
them! Now, where's that witch?"
Suddenly, the two gems in Moon's hair--one for each base of
her 'rabbit ears,' which are sometimes referred to as
'meatballs'--start glowing, and something like a cry for help in
an Asian language coming from headphones set too loud--Even Foxie
heard it--rang in Moon's ears. "Those two Koreans from that
restaurant! They're in trouble!!"
The two didn't say another word as they headed for that
"Where are they?"
"In here, I think."
"oooo, It's too dark to see in here."
"I've got that covered, Rabbit. Command Initiate Enhanced
Both the visor FoxFire was wearing and the one he gave
Sailor Moon began to glow.
"Wow! Cool Virtua Graphics! Just like a video game!!
[Sailor Moon giggled] Oh--I'm picking up something in the
kitchen in the back! Maybe we can grab a snack after taking out
Morga--Yeah!! That's her name!!"
FoxFire took a peek down the hall into the kitchen in
question. "Yep, a solid Target Acquisition. Let me go first,
Rabbit. Call me old-fashioned, but if something is going to
happen, I want it to happen to me first."
"AS YOU WISH, FOXFIRE--" CRACK!!
"Crud!! She's got a gun!!" Foxie and Moon ducked behind a
wall, just a few inches where shots were kissing a corned into
"She's just behind that door, Moon, but I can't get a clear
shot to her. You got something that can turn corners?"
Sailor Moon had to think about it for a second, but she
does. She took off her tiara and with a "Moon Tiara Magic!" she
threw it. The projectile softly glowed into a white disk of
light, which banked a right angle into the swinging doors.
FoxFire dived through those same doors to get a good view of
the Tiara delivering a body-launching uppercut.
Cha-Chick . . . CHOOM!!
Morga was sent flying out the window and back into the view
of the cheering crowd, excited to see more action. Some of them
were even doing the wave. Younger kids who saw Sailor Moon's
cartoon on T.V. were bringing their parents and friends up to
speed. Some of them even carried signs saying "Go Moon!!,"
"Princess Serena for President," and even, "Hands off our
Meatball Head!!" (Sailor Moon would have to think about the
third one for a while.) Just a few had something about FoxFire.
That what happens when the guy's new to this world.
Morga opened her mouth too wide to be natural, and puked
laser death back into the window. "Come on out, yipper! You
think that Queen Beryl would let the fact that you saved Sailor
FoxFire darted out a side door and behind the head-spinning
monster. "Sailor Moon is under my protection, NegaVerse scum.
You as much as *harass* her at your peril!"
Morga stretched out a clawed hand--15 meters--at FoxFire.
He blocked it with his Power Rifle, but was sent back for a 10-meter
"I can pull that trick too, toots." He aimed his left arm
at Morga and--POOMPH!!--His Data Spear shot out from under the
left robotic forearm. Part computer cable, part Scorpion's spear
from Mortal Kombat, it dove into Morga's shoulder as Sailor Moon
rushed outside to catch up.
With a "Come Here!!" FoxFire reeled his Data Spear back
into his arm, sending Morga flying toward him. FoxFire met her
halfway with a flying dropkick.
"Cool Combo, Foxie!! How much damage did you do?"
"Not enough, I'm afraid."
"Aiiiiiieee! She's getting back up!"
As Morga laughs as she rises, the insides of her left
shoulder can be seen. It wasn't blood and gore and bone. It was
a simple metal ball-and-cup joint, covered by cheap plastic.
"Metal?! She's a 'Bot, Rabbit!!"
"Whoa! And a tough one too. We gave her our best shots and
she's still getting up!"
"We're gonna have to *combine* our powers to take her out."
"How can we do that, FoxFire?"
"One moment . . ." Techno-graphics filled his visor. "I
got an idea."
Something flashed on Sailor Moon's visor as well. "Let's
She took her Moon Scepter and handed it to Foxie. He placed
it on top of the Power Rifle, in the groove between the barrels.
As he pumped up. The Scepter's head and both barrels began to
glow soft white. He takes careful aim . . .
The resulting blast blew away Morgan's neck. As the robot's
lifeless body collapses to the ground, the head rolls to Sailor
Moon's feet, as Foxie was complaining after a loooooong pause.
"Where's the phracking Quickening?!?! Things are supposed to
spontaneously break whenever I rip off a head!!!"
Sailor Moon picked up the head and peeled away the fake
skin. "Hey Foxie, check out this head. It ain't what I know
about the Negaverse." She hands it to Foxie.
"Mmmmmm, it looks like them Boomers in Bubblegum Crisis, but
that *can't* be right." He finds a word on the metal skull.
"'Zitkor?' You know anything about a 'Zitkor,' Moon?"
She shook her head. "No, not really--Hey, is it supposed to
spark like that all of the sudden?"
"Crud!! It's about to spoilsport!!" FoxFire throws the
head away. "Get Down, Rabbit!!"
The two managed to dive for safety before the head exploded.
Foxie helped Sailor Moon up and they dusted each other off.
"Hey, we did great!"
"Yeah!! We make a great team! Just like Beauty and the
"Of course, if someone calls you 'Beast' . . ."
"You either--You're too drop dead cute yourself," Moon
Almost on cue, FoxFire called up Shawn Michaels intro music
and began to pose for the fans. By now, several of the main
networks, including CNN, FOX, and whoever's playing the Sailor
Moon cartoon, were filming the sight. One of them was about to
interview them, but instead shouted out, "PUTTIES!!"
"Oh-oh, it's them dumbasses we ditched, Rabbit."
"They're back already? <Gasp> They got us surrounded!!"
The two went back-to-back.
"Zeddie must've put some smart juice in the clay; they're
brighter than usual."
"Urr, David? You've got all the bright ideas so far . . .
what about this one?"
"Let's see: Multiple Targets, plus Crowd Control . . . Got
"Right." Moon reaches for her tiara while Foxie whips out a
metal playing card from inside his vest. ". . . and I'll pull
out something I've been saving for just this occasion."
While Moon was doing her Moon Tiara Magic move, Foxie's
forearm-mounted computer and the metallic card were blinking in
Then Foxie threw the blinking metal card with these words:
Keep in mind that the following conversation occurred while
two orbiting pieces of metal were slicing Putty Patrollers right
"BLOODY CARD?!?! Are you nuts!?! They're too dangerous!!
You might cut one of the spectators in half, and that's not the
way to keep fans! By the way, where'd you get that thing?"
"Oh, I got it over in Kansas City, where they were having
this convention for the Dirty P--"
"**DON'T SAY THAT!!!!!!!** Nooooooo!!!! Bad Foxie!!
Bad-Bad-BAD!!!!" Sailor Moon knocks FoxFire down with her hand in
his mouth. "If they heard that they'll come here with more guns
than a militia and pumps so many holes in us we'll look like
bloody swiss cheese and I'M TOO CUTE TO DIE THAT
"**HOLY CRUD!!!** One of them broke through!!"
Sailor Moon turned around to see the last Putty almost on
top of her."
Suddenly: Ed Becerra screams into the scene riding full tilt on
a somewhat-main-streamed version of FoxFire's hoverbike--it had
wheels, instead. Seeing that last groping putty on an almost-wailing
Sailor Moon, he flipped a switch, and with the buzz-crunch sound of a
Transformer changing forms, the bike disassembled itself and merged
with Ed's CVR body armor, forming his own power suit, complete with a
helmet with "Coyote" on the side. Almost everybody recognized him.
"Hey, how'd they know it's me? I'm wearing a Cyclone!"
"I think it's the call-sign of choice that making you out,"
FoxFire said as he pulled Moon out of the Putty's grasp. "Who
else uses Old Man Coyote as a spirit guide?"
"Well, err. . . you?"
"Yeah, but I--he's sporting, Eddie. . ."
"Whoa! Hey, clay boy, Sailor Senshi aren't in season!"
The Putty tried to charge at Eddie, but he whipped out
something that resembled the BFG9000 and fired at point-blank
range. The result was predictable.
"Whoops! Putty fall down, go boom! There, I think that's the
last of them, Davey. Sorry I'm late. Got held up. Couple'a raptors
tried to break outta my closet. I see ya used that Bloody Card." He
shook his head. "And I thought _I_ was violent! Just don't let the
Lovely Angels know you stole their trademark. I don't think Haxtun
could survive Kei and Yuri!" When he mentioned _those_ names, Sailor
Moon went white as a sheet. "Oh, did I tell you that built-in fur
coat and tail you've got on sure beats spandex, and it makes you
awwwwwww, so cuuuuuute!!"
FoxFire begins to whine and tuck his tail between his legs
while Edward knelt on the ground, allowing his Cyclone to revert to
bike-mode [and feeling surprised that his voice wasn't made any higher
by the transition], called him "the Mighty Morphing Furry MUCKer."
Sailor Moon tries to defend him. "Stop being mean to him,
Golden Eye!" She holds Foxie's head in her arms and allows him
to lick her face.
Ed pulled his helmet off and ran his fingers thru his sweaty
hair, smirking. "Awwwwww, and he's a fluffer, too--huh? What about
"They're turning golden, like I just said."
"Yeah," FoxFire added, "And your eyebrows are getting
larger, too. Making you look like those Mentats from 'Dune'."
"'***DUNE!!!***'" Edward's face dropped. "not again . . ."
He took a good look at himself in a rear-view mirror.
The resulting scream can be heard all the way back to Tokyo.
To Be Continued, Of Course, But First:
The Ever-Dreaded "Sailor Moon Says" Spot At The End:
FoxFire: Why in the name of all that's holy do we havta do this
crap, Rabbit. First the Telecommunications Bill, now this!
Sailor Moon: It's in our contracts, Davey.
FoxFire: Contracts? I don't remember no fracking contract.
This is Fan Fiction, for Pete's Sake.
Sailor Moon: David. :::Rolls up her eyes::: We're just here to
tell people to get at your Web Page at--what's that URL, oh yeah--
FoxFire: Yeah, and please, E-Mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Sailor Moon: Yeah, <Whines> It gets lonely in here. <Sniff>
:::Both cuts it out abruptly, then giggles:::
Ed: Hey, did anybody see where I put my Wave Motion Rifle?
See ya next time...