[WARNING: The following episode of SMAK contains views that some
find objectional. Please refrain from flaming the author, for he
will only ignore you. Flame him for the shock ending at the
bottom all you want, however.]

When we last left our heros, they were under attack by a bunch of
CDA protestors who, interestingly enough, were in the "Mystery
Science Theater 3000" flame of Installment One of this FanFict.

Sailor Coyote: (Actually, Old Man Coyote in female mode wearing
a Sailor Scout costume) "And who do you suppose put them in
here? heh-heh-heh"

These net.citizens were drained of their life energy by a
Negaverse plot involving the Blue Protest Ribbons they're wearing
overseen by Hoppisai, a short-sized character from Ranma 1/2
(read as "Ranma 1 of 2" for those who need to know) who is wanted
in countless countries for an endless stream of charges of rape,
sodomy, incest, lechery, perversion, indecent exposure, and
passing out naughty material to minors on the Internet. And that
last one could spell this hentai's death--

FoxFire: "It's because of *YOU* that there is censorship on the
Internet!! In the name of the Net, I shall punish you!!"

Sailor Moon: "Why you line stealing little--"

[Sound of Foxie and Moon getting ganged up on]

We come back to the action after Foxie's two-minute minor [Line
Stealing] and two dozen zombied net.citizens with energy-draining
blue ribbons and the world's biggest pervert--

Hoppisai: That bad pun, Yankee. Five Minute Major Penalty!! Go
sit in corner!!

FoxFire Studios Present

Sailor Moon: American Kitsune

Installment Seven

By David Gonterman [mailto:dgonterman@aol.com]

Sailor Moon by Toei Animation, Brought to America by DIC
Power Rangers by Saban Entertainment
David "FoxFire" Kintobor by David Gonterman
Hoppisai by Rumiko Takashi


"We need something non-lethal for the poor souls," Luna
ascertains. "FoxFire, try your . . . what are those things at
your waists?"

"Pulse Blasters!" Foxie drew them with a twirl, and began
sending doughnut shaped Sonic Booms into the crowd. Each one
announced themselves with a rolling thunder.

"What was that?"

He kept firing continuously.

"Say again? I can't hear you."

Luna jumped on him and yelled in his ear, while knocking the
blasters off his hands:


"You don't have to shout, Luna."

"OUUUUUGH!! I still think that you two are related."

"Really, I dunno. Hey, Rabbit, do you know whatever or not
you're adopted?"

"Well, thatsapersonalquestionbut, yeah, Mom and Dad told me
about it. Raye sometimes wonders if I really came from America
as a baby, but I don't care. I have two of the best parents in
the world."

"That's glad to hear," FoxFire's voice softened a bit. "Good
parents are a rarity these times. er, can we discuss this

"Oh, yeah, we still have this hentai to deal with." By now, when
Sailor Moon took a stance, the area was cleared of
now-sleeping-it-off Negaverse victims. "Alright, Hoppisai, pick
a box: Soft or Hard?"

"Guess!" Hoppisai lunched hands first, straight at Sailor Moon's

"We'll have none of *that,* mister!"

FoxFire switched to Power Rifle and fired, intercepting Hoppisai
in mid-flight. He reaches for a device in his coat, which
activated a black portal.

"We'll continue this later, American," he said as he flew through
it. It closed behind him.

The protestors, woke up, shook off the cobwebs, and realized that
they're in a FoxFire FanFict.


They scattered away in all directions, leaving Sailor Moon,
FoxFire, Luna, and several loose, but now harmless, blue ribbons
in a large cloud of dust.

As FoxFire and Moon powered down, hacking out flying dirt
particles, Serena sees a nearby ribbon and picks it up. "David,"
Serena asks. "What was all that all about. And what is it with
these blue ribbons?"

"Have you ever heard of a Telecommunications Bill being passed
around here, Serena?"

"Well . . . er . . . no, Davey."

"I'll bring you up to speed, then: By now I've shown you the
wonders of the Internet. I was able to get you in touch with your
Sailor Scout friends, Tell your folks that you're all right, even
got an assignment to make a report on your adventures here to get
a good grade for the time you'll miss in school. It's a beautiful
thing, as it should be."

"I hear a 'but' coming. I take it there's a hentai department
on the Internet?"

"Calling it 'hentai' is an understatement, Rabbit. There's
stuff in there that would make Go Nagi freak."

Serena whistled. "Good thing that I don't go for that
stuff--Raye would, probably, but not me. . ."

"I hate to break this to you, but there are some jerks on the
net who would get their kicks by searing your screen with their
NC-37 rated crap."

"You're kidding."

"I'm as serious as a flatline, hon. I call them on-line child
molesters, and there are a lot of others that would make them look
like Sunday School teachers."

"There outta be something to do against them, Davey-kun."

"Some people are trying. There's some sites that I joined
that police the Net for such shady characters. I have some
programs that block out objectional sites from younger Netters,
much like channel blockers for cable."

"And what's with this Telecommunications Bill?"

"That bill has a provision that makes sending such material to
minors a crime."

"Oh, but if that's it, why are they protesting it?"

"They think it's censorship. I think they don't want anything
that even *smells* like it's gonna deny their 'rights' to the
material in question."

"But by what I'm hearing is that your congress just don't want
kids to stumble into it. Don't these boards have ID checks?"

"They do, in the form of User IDs and Passwords. Some of them
comply with the Site-Blocking programs too."

"And they think that the Internet's going to close down
because of this law?"

"It sure sounds like it, Serena."

"Er, call me a blond ditz, but . . . I don't get it."

"Neither do I. We are talking about a computer network with
connections in the nine and perhaps ten figures that stretches all
over the globe! Not even the most anal-retentive congressman is
capable to cover them all. I *severely* doubt that my own web page
will ever be touched in their witch hunt. I mean, the worst thing
I ever do on-line is fluffle!"

"What's 'fluffle?'"

"What we did last night."

"Oh, that! <Serena giggles> That wasn't nasty at all, just
snuggling up close like that. You're just a big teddy bear. <more
giggling> So, Foxie, what do you think about all this?"

"oh, me? Well, I . . . <David gathers his thoughts> I
believe that the Internet can be the world's biggest schoolhouse
and playground at the same time. Sometimes it's the only place
some people can do in peace. It's a great common ground for people
all over the world to share ideas, make friends, and have fun. It
should be safe for them to muck around freely and with no fear of
being taken advantage of."

"And this Telecommunications Bill?"

"It's too soon to judge, actually, or to do any knee-jerk
reactions like all these blue ribbons. It'll have a lot of hashing
done to it before it *really* gets into effect. I have enough
faith in the Democratic Process to keep children protected without
shutting anybody down. Unless of course, they take their Web Pages
and log-out for good because they don't like the way it's played."

Serena just blinked at all this; all this politics would
probably never sink in her brain, and it'll ruin all the fun she's
been having. David felt the same way about it to, because after he
took a deep breath to regather his thoughts . . . "Let's not be too
anal on such petty crap. We've got a mall to thrall just a mile
away, and thanks to plane delays, my Ranger friends won't be able
to arrive for another six hours."

Serena smiled. "Shopping spree!!"

David, Serena, and Luna was in a private booth in a sushi
place. David actually enjoyed his first batch of sushi, which was
a pleasant surprise to him. Although he had to use his left arm to
hold the chopsticks correctly; as long as Serena or Luna don't curl
their nose at eating with a sudden southpaw, which they didn't . .

"Every time I look at you two I *still* think that you were
separated at birth. I mean look at you: David Kintobor and Serena
Tsukino. You hardly know each other for just a little bit over a
week, but are so alike the only difference I see is a decade in age
and different sex organs--"

"Isn't Luna talking about this a bit much David . . . David?
Davey, what's wrong?"

David's head was turned away from Serena. He's too quiet like
this. Serena can tell that something's bugging him. Something he
wouldn't want to discuss.

"You two share similar traits: The same kind of ice cream,
the same places of the mall you like (leaving out special interests
like computers and perfume of course) the same comic books, the
same radio and TV shows. Heck I even looked at your scholastic
records, David, and up until your Junior year of High School, your
grades were as terrible as Serena's"


"Wanna become Alpo, Luna?"

"I'm making a point. And that is that similarities of this
intimate levels are a good sign of being from the same gene pool.
You said it yourself that you were adopted as a child, long before
you know whatever your biological parents were--"

"And I wouldn't care less *what* they are, Luna. I have two
good parents that love and care for me. They did everything right
according to all the stories I've heard. I may be a blond ditz
with meatballs on my head, but the one thing I'm not is
dysfunctional!! Isn't that right, David? David?"

Silence again. Serena notices that she stuck her foot in her

"OH, sorry. I just forgotten: Your dad's Doctor Robotnik.
You probably have the most dysfunctional family in the world. . .
I didn't want to offend you . . . really . . ."

" . . . and then there's my mother . . ." David finally spoke

"huh?" "huh?"

"She was a stern business type. More married to her job then
her husband, and more concerned about how I make her look then my
personal well-being. In her mind, I *always* fell short of the
mark, and the tells me this constantly. I found myself hiding in
my room for years since that's the only place where I can be safe,
in between spontaneous melodramatic entrances by Mom pining away at
why I've given up trying to be a good son when every time I did so
I failed miserably."

Serena motioned Luna to come close. "You know, maybe we
shouldn't dwell too much on my parents. He might be jealous."

"Nonsense, I've seen parents like that in Japan too."

"She gave up on me and tried again, impregnating herself with
saved sperm from Dr. Kintobor (pre Robotnik, that is), she became
pregnant with a baby girl. She thought that the girl would be the
perfect child of hers that I was not. But, <sigh> a sonogram
showed that this child had a certain 'defect' and was promptly
aborted. The real nasty partial birth kind too."

Serena flinched. Luna protested, "Say no more about this
particular procedure. We'll take your word for it."

"Unfortunately my mother didn't, and when she described in
gory detail on how these late-term abortions are done, and saying
that they should've had one on me too, and put on top of that
having been called 'the reason Abortion on Demand is legal in
America,' by schoolkids a few days prior, I . . . snapped. Next
thing I know, three days have passed. Mom was killed by
anti-abortion violence, and I have withdrawn completely into a
fantasy world. The case was thrown out of court because of my
inability to talk, and I was taken into my hick uncle in a nearby
trailer park.

"There's a happy ending to this. Just a year before 'Piasa'.
I learned that a nurse rescued the baby; birthed her completely
before she was killed, and putted her up to adoption. I never
heard from that girl again, but I'm glad that she's alive, wherever
she is."

"David, you said that the baby had a certain defect. Did you
find out what it is?"

"Oh, a certain mark on her forehead; a crescent moon I've been
told, and a distinctive hair style that was already formed. A
funky one, I say. Looked like she had meat . . . balls . . . in .
. . her . . . oh . . . my . . . god . . ."

David turned around for the first time in this meeting,
straight into the quivering eyes of Serena. The realization was
just hitting her as well, as the crescent moon on her forehead
thought this would be the perfect time to show itself . . . or was
it there all this time and nobody noticed?

"Serena . . . It's you . . . You're my . . . long lost . . .

"Do . . . you know . . . what this means?"

A long pause, then:


"But Serena, this guys an admitted redneck; they tend to marry
their sisters."


"Well, Jeff Foxworthy told me so in his shows, David. It must
be true."

Serena was bawling out something about being in an Anime
version of "Deliverance," when she noticed the big brother she
never thought she had morph into fox mode and try to eat Luna. She
made a flying tackle into the bid furball, pinning him to the
floor. The two stopped to look at each other for a long pause, and
then laughed til it hurts right where they are.

They stayed curled up with each other until an alarm on
Davey's arm sounded; Jason, Trini, and Zack have entered the mall.
They quickly brushed and dried themselves up--David returned to
human mode--and joined them.

(Side Note: Serena and David decided to keep the above
revelation to themselves, and eventually, to Serena's real parents;
no one else. Any romantic life will be kept at the current
platonic levels; Serena would just love to fluff with her big
brother again if given the chance. Like she said, he's like a
teddy bear in fox mode.)

Like I said with BAM Restart 3; it's been too long for me between
installments, and too busy to care for them because of finals, so
this one too is shorter than my usual. Hopefully they will get
bigger later on in May.

Send Email to Daivd Gonterman at dgonterman@aol.com
Visit the FoxFire Studios Web Page at:


FoxFire Studios